SURROUNDED by television, movies, video games, and the Internet, most children are soaking up sex like an oversized, thirsty sponge, according to child psychologist George E. Smith, president of the Management Planning Institute, which heads 150 “Cradle to Classroom” programs throughout the country.
“A lot of parents don’t seem to understand that their children are being exposed to sex through rap music, videos and television, so we need to talk to our children about what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate as it relates to sexual contact—early,” Dr. Smith states.
Child and family expert Dr. Vera S. Paster agrees. “Children are being exposed to sex in a way that most parents wouldn’t approve, and that’s the only influence that they get. The end result is that because of a lack of role models who will reinforce a positive sense of responsibility for themselves and their sexual- it)’, the child will develop a lack of respect and regard for the protection of their own bodies.”
Both experts agree that children need to he taught about sex at an early age, especially since a new report reveals that girls, especially Black girls, are maturing and experiencing a much earlier age than previously thought.
The Journal of Pediatrics released a study recently that concluded earlier sexual maturation is occurring in girls. The study revealed that “the onset of breast development occurred between 7 and 8 years for White girls but between 6 and 8 years in African American girls.”
The study also states that Black girls grow pubic hair and begin menstruation at a rate of two years earlier than Whites. The results of the study are loud and clear- the days of talking to your child about sex on his or her wedding night is long gone. Your child needs to know about love and sexual feelings now—and the parent who waits too long to discuss sex with his child risks becoming a grandparent way before his time.
Planned Parenthood spokesperson Chaunda Roseborough says that discussing sex with your child early is the best way to prevent unwanted incidents, The organization has released a new book, How to Talk With Your Child About Sexuality, which lists the following guidelines for what children should know about sex at certain stages in their development.
BIRTH TO 2: Babies learn early that touching their bodies and sex organs feels good. They should be allowed to do this. If parents try to stop them, they’ll do it anyway, but will feel guilty about it. And babies will learn not to trust their parents later in life when they’re seeking guidance about sexuality.
Dr. Paster adds that it’s never too early to talk to your child about sex, especially since the child cultivates messages about sex and love based on family interactions when they are very young. ‘Parents have to realize that they’re talking about sex even if they don’t mention genitals,” she says.
“You are communicating attitudes about sex from the time the child is born, so parents need to accept the fact that sex is normal and positive, and this will be the basis for their children to develop mature relationships with other people.”
3 TO 5: By age 3, kids should learn that men and women have different sex organs. Talk about them the same way you would discuss fingers and toes. Always use the scientific names for sex organs instead of slang or street words.
There is a very important reason for not using nicknames for sex organs, according to Dr. Smith: “If you use nicknames, it sends out early messages that there’s something wrong with sex.” he says. Additionally at this stage, children are curious about other people’s bodies.
They may begin to ask where babies come from, so keep answers simple by saying something like “Babies grow in a special place inside the mother.” Dr. Paster agrees that honesty is the best policy when dealing with a preschooler.
“A lot of times when preschoolers see other parents who are pregnant, you shouldn’t invent fairy tales (about where the baby comes from). Just casually mention that Sherry’s mother is going to have a baby. It’s amazing the kind of theories that develop themselves, so you should talk about it with them correctly.”
5 TO 7: Children are beginning to realize their own femininity and masculinity which is why it is common for them to say they hate children of the opposite site gender.
Most of them also heard about AIDs, rape and child abuse, and they wonder about these things even if they are too shy to talk about it.
Therefore, it’s important to discuss these issues with your child, and television or headlines in newspapers can help to spark conversation. Also most kids this age touch their sex organs for pleasure.
Says Dr. Paster “Teach your child that it’s okay to have feelings, that our bodies have natural feelings and these are good feelings; do not connect sex with bad or naughty prohibition, because that leads to curiosity, testing out and experimentation. Age 5 or 6 is not too early to talk about these issues because children have to be prepared for these things.”
8 TO 12 (Pre-teens): Children are fascinated with the way their bodies change at this stage, so its common for them to look at and touch other’s sex organs:
This is one of the ways they learn that they are normal. Boys and girls should lean about sex and reproduction, and should be given information about sexual and social relationships. Preteens should learn about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), birth control, the consequences of teen pregnancy and all the facts about menstruation, wet dreams, and other signs of maturation.
13 AND OVER: should know that abstinence is the only 100 percent effective way to prevent pregnancy and STDs, but they should also learn about available forms of birth control.
The teenage years often have parents wracked with fear, explains Dr. Paster: “Parents get anxious and are so worried about experimentation, molestation and premature pregnancy that they become traumatized,” she says. “When I talk about sex with my children, l impart my attitude and my values to them through my knowledge. We have open lines of communication, so if my children have questions, they know that they can come to me and we can discuss it around the dinner table.”
Ultimately, the attitudes and behaviors that children adopt about sex and love are dependent on what they are taught from their parents. However, most parents are uncomfortable with the notion of candidly teaching theft children about the “birds and the bees” because their parents skirted the issue of sex as well. According to Dr. Paster, when it comes so talking about sex, parents would rather adopt the fabled survival tactic of the ostrich, which buries its head in the sand in an attempt to become invisible to its predators.
“I think that many parents would like it (sex) to go away –if they don’t mention it, the child will not be presented with that interest,” she reveals. “Also many parents don’t know how to go communicate about sex with their children because they don’t have a (sexual) information back- ground other than warnings of not to get themselves or some one else pregnant.”
Communication is a necessary element to nurturing a healthy whole some attitude about sex and love with your child, but as with everything else in the world, talk is cheap. Your positive words about sex may fall on deaf ears if you are not a living example for your child, according to experts.
“Most children follow models, not what is said, and the primary model are family members,” Dr. Paster says.’ What that means is that single parents should not expose their children to their sexual behaviors Dr. Smith warns that single parents must be especially careful about their relationships, and what they say to their children concerning the opposite sex.
“The stereotypes that we develop about each other are based on what we are exposed to. If a single parent has a different partner coming to the house two or three times a year, what happens is that their children will set their attitudes about relationships based on what they see that parent doing.
“Furthermore, if children grow up in a home where a woman says, ‘men are dogs,’ or ‘your father is dumb, he doesn’t know nothing,’ then they will grow up thinking men are dumb and stupid. If little boys grow up seeing their mother being used by different men, then they will believe that men are supposed to use women; and little girls will grow up with the belief that women are to be used,” he explains.
In a nutshell, children must be taught early on that although sex and love can coexist, they are definitely not one and the same.
“In some situations, when children don’t have the support of a loving environment, they start looking for love in all the wrong places, and they will begin to equate love with sex,” Dr. Smith says. “And like Tina Turner says, ‘What’s love got to do with it?’ Sex has nothing to do with love.”
Homes headed by a two-parent household also serve as a basis for what a child is taught about sex and affection, because initially, children learn their attitudes about love from what they see their parents do.
“The most stoic statement a parent can make to his child is the positive examples that he sets,” says Dr. Smith.
“If mom and dad are in a healthy, wholesome relationship, they pick up on that, and if there is a violent relationship, they pick up on that as If the parents are kissing and affectionate, the children are some times embarrassed by it, but they pick up on it. And they will be affectionate because that’s what they are accustomed to. However, if children see affection as they are growing, then their attitudes about relationships are warped.”
Dr. Smith adds that the most effective way to nurture children into a healthy, loving adulthood is to let them know how much you love them.
“We teach children how to1ove based on how we love them, and one of the best ways to build self-esteem in our children is to tell them that we love them every day, and the love that we have for them is unconditional.”
Culled from Ebony Magazine.
